Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hollywood vs. War Movies

I think I figured it out, and it isn't what many in the dextrosphere claim--Hollywood isn't making preachy, sanctimonious, boring "war" movies because they plan to make money overseas, or get awards from their fellow frothing liberal producers. Even they aren't going to see these bombs. No, they are making them for the Great Unwashed in flyover country, and anyone stupid enough to have voted for Bush. Clearly, they just haven't gotten the Message(tm) out! But movies--even Nascar Red State Yahoos go to movies! And then they will learn the horrid truth about all those nasty rapists in uniform (no, not Saddam's "defilers of women's honor") and bring the little underprivileged darlings back for sensitivity training and mandatory naps.

In the spirit of the self-esteem movement, I just want to tell all those constipated Hollywood types that I really believe, if they put *all* their effort into it, Bush won't be elected again. Honest!

To The Pain!

Sometimes I wonder what planet the UN lives on, and other times I want to put them in a glass case with the label "Effect of Legalized Drugs". Maybe they are just beta-version Triffids who haven't really gotten a good grip on the whole "humanity" thing. This *particular* mental seizure was induced by learning they consider using tasers to be torture, because they "cause extreme pain". Well, yes. That's how you convince the hopped-up cokehead to stop stabbing the little old lady since it should be fairly obvious at that point that an appeal to reason/better nature/threat of timeout or lack of TV privileges is not going to produce the desired effect. Pain is universally understood, across cultures, language barriers, and mental acuity. (But then, I suspect the super double-secret probation definition of torture is "anything that actually gets the US useful information.")

If extreme pain=torture, and torture should be banned, then we're pretty much going to have to ban reality and especially life. Oh, and childbirth, speaking of life. Extreme pain plus possibility of death, *just* like the taser. Here's a partial list of things I consider torture by the UN standard:

-lima beans
-income tax
-boring meetings
-watching someone eat chocolate when they won't share
-Fran Drescher's voice
-German lieder
-fundamentalist Christian weddings (no booze, no dancing, lots of Old Testament. Pleh)
-being stuck on a bus with psycho smelly homeless people
-being reminded of the continued existence of Al Gore, John Kerry, Jim McDermott, and a host of others
-Naval Aviators who claim to be on the same base as handsome, buff SEALs and *completely fail* to show any photos as proof.
-a sneeze that won't

There's LOTS more. And if you take a gander at this wonderful compendium of unusual causes of death, you can clearly see we need to also eradicate sauerkraut, airborne turtles, monkeys, hockey pucks, jogging, umbrellas, blast furnaces, philosophy, toothpicks, elegant scarves, microphones, sidewalk cracks, and books. And gravity. I expect the UN to get right on that one.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell something." Princess Bride

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving blog-dinner

As is traditional on Thanksgiving, your humble Snarkatron has gathered all sorts of yummy bits and pieces from all over...

Grownups: Space Weather report! Keep track of solar flares, comets, and auroras! Uncle Spook, who has always been rather vague about exactly where he works, crazy Uncle Ace, a friendly Frenchman (with guns),

Children's table: The real history of the first Thanksgiving, traditional comics values (violence, etc.), and Virtual Bubblewrap to pop!

I'm in ur kitchen, steelin ur turkee: Fangsgiving , and Catitude

I'm thankful for house insulation, and electricity, and the shelter where I found my two cats, and medical technology that has put my father back together three times this year, and the rampaging imperialists that invaded the peaceful (er, rampaging, actually) Natives and discovered CHOCOLATE!, and spaceships (more, please) and that in this time, in this country, poor people are frequently FAT. I think the original Pilgrims would be rather pleased, given the *first* Thanksgiving was all about not starving.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Why can't I get a job with the FBI?

I just want to know how these people get neat and interesting jobs with the CIA and FBI (with attendant security clearances) and I can't. Is there some hiring quota for foreign nationals with dodgy pasts I'm not aware of? The brother-in-law getting indited wasn't a trigger for a little checkup? Nevermind that everybody dropped the ball investigating her past (and not to rag on the Lebanese who have suffered enough but geez, aren't there about eleventy-billion different terrorist organizations with offices there?) What was so wonderful about this lady that *two* different prestigious government agencies jumped at the chance to hire her? It can't have just been the language skills, could it? Inquiring minds want to know.

p.s. FBI, CIA, NSA webcrawlers: I am a hardcore computer geek, have a PhD in Physics *and* I know how to shoot. Call me.