Thursday, November 29, 2007

To The Pain!

Sometimes I wonder what planet the UN lives on, and other times I want to put them in a glass case with the label "Effect of Legalized Drugs". Maybe they are just beta-version Triffids who haven't really gotten a good grip on the whole "humanity" thing. This *particular* mental seizure was induced by learning they consider using tasers to be torture, because they "cause extreme pain". Well, yes. That's how you convince the hopped-up cokehead to stop stabbing the little old lady since it should be fairly obvious at that point that an appeal to reason/better nature/threat of timeout or lack of TV privileges is not going to produce the desired effect. Pain is universally understood, across cultures, language barriers, and mental acuity. (But then, I suspect the super double-secret probation definition of torture is "anything that actually gets the US useful information.")

If extreme pain=torture, and torture should be banned, then we're pretty much going to have to ban reality and especially life. Oh, and childbirth, speaking of life. Extreme pain plus possibility of death, *just* like the taser. Here's a partial list of things I consider torture by the UN standard:

-lima beans
-income tax
-boring meetings
-watching someone eat chocolate when they won't share
-Fran Drescher's voice
-German lieder
-fundamentalist Christian weddings (no booze, no dancing, lots of Old Testament. Pleh)
-being stuck on a bus with psycho smelly homeless people
-being reminded of the continued existence of Al Gore, John Kerry, Jim McDermott, and a host of others
-Naval Aviators who claim to be on the same base as handsome, buff SEALs and *completely fail* to show any photos as proof.
-a sneeze that won't

There's LOTS more. And if you take a gander at this wonderful compendium of unusual causes of death, you can clearly see we need to also eradicate sauerkraut, airborne turtles, monkeys, hockey pucks, jogging, umbrellas, blast furnaces, philosophy, toothpicks, elegant scarves, microphones, sidewalk cracks, and books. And gravity. I expect the UN to get right on that one.

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is trying to sell something." Princess Bride


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