Friday, May 12, 2006

Reality 101: A remedial course for trolls and moonbats

Hello everyone, I'm Professor Snarkatron. Yes, that is elitist and no, I'm not going to change it. Furthermore, we will not form a non-judgmental "learning circle." I will stand up here at the podium and lecture and you will sit in your chairs and refrain from chewing gum. If you are good, I have a bag of delicious and healthy TrollTreats(tm) to share. If you are bad, I found a use for that stupid free newspaper that shows up in my driveway. Now, let's begin!

Students, you are here in this class because you have demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of the term "reality." To help you understand the difference between reality and hallucinogen-worthy fantasy, contemplate the following concepts:

Which of these is really torture?
a) an electric drill being applied to a human being
b) watching someone eat peanut butter

Which of these is really suppression of dissent?
a) being beaten, arrested and thrown in a jail where they really do torture people, just for criticizing the government
b) having someone disagree with you

Which of these is really a violation of privacy?
a) every purchase you make is analyzed as to time, place, and objects purchased so when you, for example, buy beer and the cheapest brand of condoms in the store at 11:30 pm on a Friday you get automatic coupons for home pregnancy tests and infant formula
b) the numbers you call get tossed in with everyone else's phone calls in a ginourmous database that even a Cray has to think about analyzing

Everybody got that? OK, this will be on the midterm, so take notes. The bookstore said the elementary logic books are back in stock, and I really recommend you take advantage of that. Oh, and for extra credit, explain how global warming on Earth is entirely due to human activity, but global warming on Jupiter isn't.

Class dismissed!
(has anyone seen my pet troll? He hasn't shown up for simply ages!)


Anonymous BillT said...

Tsk. If you'd really *read* about Red Junior, you'd have discovered that Jupiter is only undergoing global warming at the equator, while the poles are cooling down. This fact *obviously* signifies a lack of human activity, since the Poles are a bunch of party animals (remember the "Hot, Hot, Hot Polka"?) and the whole place would be *smokin',* bay-bee!

BTW, what's with the definite Serbo-Croatian trend in the verification codes?

8:55 PM, May 11, 2006  
Blogger Barb said...

Tape up your head - here's a couple that defy understanding (heard on KVI this morning)...

1) Apparently there is a move afoot to consider allowing school prayer somewhere in our fair region ... because Muslims have requested it!

2) The city council of Bellingham is apparently holding meetings next week to discuss outlawing shooting .... Where you ask? Why, in Indoor ranges, of course!

My Head Hurts! Must go relieve stress ...

hmmm, Bill's right, that Does look like Serbo-Croatian ... *grin*

8:36 AM, May 12, 2006  
Blogger John of Argghhh! said...

Um, why would they give a flying flip about indoor shooting in properly constructed ranges?

Are there children somehow involved?

I've found trolls simply can't stand orderly environments not full of flung poop and flecked with spittle.

They leave.

3:18 PM, May 14, 2006  
Anonymous KCSteve said...

Not to stir the pot any, but that raised platform you stand on is the podium. That upright thing you set your notes on and stand behind is the lectern.

11:24 AM, May 15, 2006  
Blogger Barb said...

Whatchoo talkin' about?
*blinks owlishly at KCSteve*

Snarkatron - It's a shame that those who needed the lecture most have skipped it, apparently. Thus illustrating the problem quite adequately, I'd say.

5:53 PM, May 15, 2006  

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