Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Cod Liver Oil Election

By which I mean, nobody is really looking forward to it. The rational know a) someone *will* be elected and b) it behooves us to pick the least of the manifold evils, but you just know even if you hold your nose and get the dose down in one gulp you'll still be burping Essence of Fish Entrails longer than you would think possible. Like many in the blogosphere, I have no patience with those who want to "send a message" by not voting or other such juvenalia. We have many means of communicating with our elected officials that can make quite clear they were only selected because the other options were worse. Ideally, voters would have the option of a "signing statement" to go along with their vote. E.g. "Joe Smith, I voted for you for the State Senate but don't think for a minute I approve of your brain-dead mandatory turtle adoption policy--your opponent's adopt-a-cobra plan was just worse."

Now, some candidate-specific snark.

Hillary Clinton: She has proven to the entire solar system *she* doesn't think an intelligent, ambitious woman can achieve anything unless a man opens the door for her. With regard to the Iraq war, conservative commenters have claimed she would never allow the US to be defeated when it would be her prestige on the line as well. Perhaps, but how the hell would she know how to accomplish this? Her contempt for the military is bone-deep, so I very much doubt she's been reading Small Wars or Sun Tzu. She couldn't be bothered to read the NIE when it was her JOB. Plus every time she opens her mouth my wallet shivers in fear.

Barack Obama: Unlike Senator Biden, he can talk at length pleasantly-- and remarkably free of pesky details such as *how* we are going to give everyone a pet unicorn and banish meanness forever. Real presidential candidates know that for every omelette, there are broken eggs. And I'd be more impressed with the great strides for racial justice if he'd written "Dreams from my Mother". You know, the lady that bore him, raised him, and loved him? But no, she's white and doesn't count, so the focus stays on a guy who left when Obama was two, but is black. We've still got a long way to go. Sorry, MLK. We'll keep trying.

Ron Paul: or, "I have no idea where all that Stormfront paraphernalia came from, or maybe I'm storing it for friends who I would not *dream* of asking awkward questions because that would violate their free speech rights and oh, am I even in the right house? Did I mention the Constitution yet? I am so rigid in my beliefs I never get anything done, but I am PURE!" 20cc Thorazine, administered by blowgun. STAT.

Huckabee: God apparently wants him to be president. To quote Phillipe the Mouse, "I talk to God all the time, and he never mentioned you." Go away, already.

John McCain: You know, I could have sworn we already saw the episode with the president that was vindictive, angry, and dealing with an unpopular war. It didn't end well. Note that I have not disparaged his physical courage or service to this country in the military. He could have singlehandedly stormed Omaha Beach and he'd still be political nitroglycerine. Very useful, yes! As long as you don't set it off by accident. The very fact that he is unable to hide his temper points to a certain lack of political acumen. There are probably Bushmen of the Kalahari who know he's got a volcanic temper. How is he going to work constructively with *anyone* (allies, Congress, Supreme Court, visiting Girl Scout troops) when he can't be trusted not to bite? And once having bitten, carry a grudge to the end of his days? I'm sure there are plenty of politicians who have short fuses but they know it should be hidden from public view, like their toenail fetish, and we only find out years later.

Mitt Romney: What a well-oiled weathervane. Props for herding the Olympic cats, that can't have been a trivial exercise. However, where Mr. McCain has too much vim and vinegar Mitt doesn't seem to have any. That's like trailing blood in the political shark tank. Sorry, you can't be nice *all* the time. One well-executed, clearly deserved kneecapping usually makes it clear you can be nasty if necessary, and then you don't have to *keep* kneecapping. But you do have to make it clear that you can do it if they act up. Otherwise you are just an inflatable doll in a room full of reciprocating saws.

Sigh. I keep pushing the fast-forward button on the remote but it's not working ....


Blogger FbL said...

Brilliant, BCR!

10:32 AM, February 05, 2008  
Blogger Kat said...

Yeah. I am working on the "I am undecided because you all suck now who am I going to vote for because somebody has to take this job".

It's like trying to elect the next captain of the titanic. Everybody knows the job sucks and the only ones that want to take it on have nothing to lose themselves.

Iceberg, dead ahead.

3:54 PM, February 05, 2008  
Blogger Barb said...

Shall we all write in Fred Thompson?? For BCR and I, it's kinda moot in the general election. Washington state wouldn't give a Republican the time of day, whatever side of the spectrum he thought he was nailing down. Talk about useless votes ... feh!
But I'm not abstaining to make a point, nor threatening to run off to Canada or some such, you notice ;-)

10:01 PM, February 05, 2008  
Blogger Miguelito said...

Fred Thompson? Nah, let him sleep.

8:31 AM, February 07, 2008  

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