Thursday, September 21, 2006

"UN" is a term of negation

I see the United Nations comissary has run out of thorazine-flavored lollipops again. Where do all the nutcases come from, and why are so many of them a) in charge of actual countries and b) able to access live ammo? And while I'm on the subject, I have a few more questions ...
-Why are non-democracies allowed to vote in the UN? If we really respected their "unique and colorful folkways" we (meaning the United States, you know, the one with the big bleeping military with the coolest toys?) would tell them what to do, how high to jump, and we'd shoot them if they didn't smile while doing it.
-If it is considered gauche for the United States to intervene so noticably in other countries and to take more than its "fair share" of the world's resources, why exactly are they so eager to send our soldiers (safely encased in blue helmets) and never their own? Why are they so eager to spend more than their "fair share" of OUR money?
-Wouldn't it be fun to see them apply the same standards they hold Israel to, to other countries?

The problem is there is no incentive for the folks blatherating at the United Nations to fix anything. For one thing, all the problems are somewhere other than New York City. Others have suggested that a sudden desire for progress would seize this august body if the General Assembly were to be relocated to, say, Sudan. There are also strongly held opinions that we should simply kick the bastards out and decontaminate the site. Alas, I suspect we signed some treaty or other that means we can't take that supremely satisfying step. However, I very much doubt we guaranteed the delegates would be able to taste the sinful delights of the Big Apple. So ... why not include, in the "Secure Our Borders With a Fence STAT" plan, the site of the UN? We don't have to be rude about it. No concertina wire, no ugly concrete barriers, *definitely* no observation towers. I'm thinking something along the line of a ring of allegorical statues (in blast-hardened ferro-concrete)-- say, Pallas Athena (with spear and shield) surrounded by cute marble kittens (with motion sensors and laser-beam eyes). Maybe even some of those impossible-to-bulldoze giant flowerpots with red, white, and blue geraniums, for a dash of color. We'll build them a nice dorm for the delegates to live in. (We'll provide the cinderblock and linoleum. If they want something nicer, they pay. And they have to return it to original condition or they don't get their security deposit back.) Nobody leaves without special permission, restrictions set by country of origin. The Saudis, for example, will not be allowed to visit any American mosque (since Americans certainly can't visit any church or temple or synagogue in Saudi Arabia, now can they?) Plus, any Saudi male delegate must be escorted by an American woman at all times outside the UN compound. (As a minor concession, I will allow them to specify a woman with a head covering, but those women will be Roman Catholic nuns. With rulers.) He will also not be allowed to buy anything, drive a car, or talk.

With these new rules, I believe you would see a thunderous rush for the exits. There's no point in going all the way to the Great Satan's doorstep to castigate aforementioned satanic entity if you can't even go shopping. The few bewildered delegates remaining would be the idealistic ones who actually believe in the UN's stated purpose. It would be highly entertaining.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There you go again, being all logical like. COme on, can't we bump them all up on the orbiting weaponry targeting list? I heard John's starting to sweat and we need to give that guy a break.:0)
ry

12:31 AM, September 22, 2006  
Blogger Barb said...

I like the bit about Nuns ... with rulers! Good idea :-)

3:38 PM, September 22, 2006  
Anonymous BillT said...

Why is it that the same dillweeds who deplored our absence of military intervention in Rwanda and are demanding our military intervention in the Sudan are deploring our military intervention in Iraq?

Oooop -- forgot. It's only okay if we go in wearing blue beanies and packing three rounds of ammo that we're not allowed to use.

I've got a neat pic from the Boz gig of an APC the Serbs used for target practice. The UN lettering is still nice and visible...

6:19 PM, September 26, 2006  
Blogger Kerri said...

Just when I think no one has any sense, you go and restore my faith in womankind. Thank you.

8:10 PM, September 28, 2006  
Anonymous Ron Goodwyne said...

I love it! A local talk host in Charleston thought moving the UN to Iceland would be a good idea. They could have a commissary that would prepare whatever special food they required and they could buy essential stuff like toothpaste (assuming they brush their teeth), deodorant (assuming...), you get the idea. I loved the plan. If only we could grow a collective pair and do something about it.

8:54 PM, October 02, 2006  

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