Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Snarkatron Solves the Budget Problem

The Congresscritters are quite busy earnestly assuring us that they HAVE to raise the debt limit because there is just no way to cut the budget enough. One star for finally realizing that raising taxes is, inexplicably, unpopular.  We've still got a lot of debt from previous unbalanced budgets to pay off, but first things first.  I have some carefully thought-out ideas that should fix everything.

1) Any rich celebrity/financier/whatever who states, without duress, in public, "They should raise my taxes," or any variant of the same, shall be immediately issued a tax due statement by the IRS for the value of 50% of all assets.  Not income, assets.  If the statement or variant is repeated the next fiscal year, the same tax bill shall be issued again until silence or bankruptcy results.

2) All previously instituted Federal taxes, fees, and payments of any kind that are used to fund the Federal budget will be rescinded.  Instead, Congress shall pass a budget that has all their wish lists for funding for all the crucial institutions of Western Civilization, e.g. cowboy poetry competitions.  The Congressional Budget Office shall then apportion to each citizen their share of the bill, using a formula that rates each individual's assets (including yearly income) as a percentage of all citizens of the country combined.  Only citizens are allowed access to any Federal service, also green card holders and other legal immigrants will be assessed an estimated fee which must be paid to either enter or stay in the country.

There you go!  Guaranteed no-deficit budgets!  Now if you will excuse me, I need to sign up for a hot tar and pitchfork franchise.  Once people truly understand how much money Congress is spending and it comes directly out of their pockets, I expect a return to the values that made this country great--enraged mobs.



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