Saturday, May 14, 2005

Don't make me come over there ...

For all the people out there who think current security measures are harsh and insensitive and just plain annoying, I have two things to say.
  1. That's nothing. Deliberately slamming airplanes full of innocent people into buildings full of innocent people -- THAT'S harsh and insensitive.
  2. That's nothing. It could be much, much worse. For example, if I was Evil Overlord (and I've read the lists, so I'm all ready to get to work), it would go something like this:
  • Everyone, male or female, coming from a Middle Eastern country or country known to have a significant Islamic terrorist presence gets searched. US citizen coming back from Saudi Arabia? Very nice. Assume the position. Small, innocent child? Just like the one that got blown up on 9/11. You get searched too. Grandmother in abayya? Searched. Don't like it, stay home.
  • Everyone else gets randomly searched. Yes, even grandmothers. You obviously never met mine. So what if they can't physically take over the plane themselves? They could be carrying something for that muscular, scowling young man behind them.
  • Borders are not decorative. Funding for the NEA will be diverted to purchase lots of those neat little drone spy planes, and the Congressional Cafeteria will be reduced to macaroni and cheese to fund additional border agents. Further cuts into unnecessary programs will be made and used for border patrol purposes until illegal immigration is reduced to 2% of current levels. (I may, if feeling benevolent at the time, permit hamburgers to be added to the menu at this point but the instant illegal immigration goes up again, mac and cheese only!)
  • Apply Solomonic Law to claims of intolerance. If a person from religion A claims rude and nasty things were said about religion A, any and all lawsuits are to be tossed out of court with extreme prejudice if it can be shown person from religion A said rude and nasty things about religion B. The phrase I am thinking of here is "lead by example".
  • Newspapers will be forced to print a correction, on the front page, above the fold, in bold type two sizes larger than the original, whenever they fail to mention crucial information. They will also be required to state at the beginning of any article regarding Iraq or Afghanistan if the correspondant ever left the hotel, or instead relied exclusively on local "help" for their insightful, hard-hitting journalism.
  • The office of Official Statistician will be instituted. These crack, armed officials will supervise the publication of all statistics quoted in the press. They will not prevent any data from being published, but they will require additional information to be added to prevent unwarranted conclusions from being drawn. For example, they will not allow the Global Warming Enthusiasts to chop off the graph where it starts to show higher temperatures in the past. Before humans discovered fire.

See how much worse things could be?

4 Comments:

Blogger John of Argghhh! said...

Hee hee hee! Get some, girl!

2:54 PM, May 15, 2005  
Anonymous Neffi said...

BCR, you gonna challenge Condi for the nom in '08? Or maybe Sec of State- got my vote, darlin'....

5:05 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Kat said...

This was freaking brilliant.

Definitely cut the Congressional Cafeteria. Break and water was my thinking.

11:39 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Barb said...

I say we start the BCR for Evil Overlord campaign NOW!

1:04 PM, May 16, 2005  

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